Sunday, May 29, 2011

Wassup' Doc

Sorry i havent been blogging much :/ ive had so much attention drawn on me by my doctors, parents and boyfriend! Ive had to keep it on the DL...which means eating :/ I've gained some weight back...but not a lot! PRobably two or three pounds. I'm starting back up in June. Probably right after my sister's birthday (June 4th). It's gonna be hard and i'll feel disgusting until then, but im not going to the hospital because of my nosy doctors and parents. I just have to make it until then!

I hope everyone else is having a great time! Summer is coming up, i hope all you lovelies look great in your bikins! :)
-Shannon<3

Friday, May 20, 2011

Binge :/

Yesterday was suchhhhh a great day!:
2 eggs with toast- 260
1 cup fat free milk- 230
1 rice cake- 16
1 cup yoplait yogurt- 90
3 cups green tea with sweet n' low- 0
1 cup chicken broth (bouillion cube)- 5
Total: 601

And i was super happy with myself over that! Like one calorie over my limit...hell yea i'll take that! But the next morning (this morning) i had a 5-hour blood glucose test (because i keep unexpectedly fainting), so i had to fast past midnight. No big deal i was asleep anyway. So i wake up, go to my test, and get blood drawn. But 5-hours later i was pretty hungry. I could've even gotten thru it if i hadnt gone with my mother, who stayed and bought be 1/2 turkey and cheese sub with a box of cookies! She thought i'd be hungry...not really mom! What was i supposed to do? Say "Nah im not really hungry mom!" I couldnt! (She was already concerned because along with my blood test, i had a checkup with my physician and she checked my weight...but i didnt know that and i didnt have any weight i could add on me! I went from 128--> 120! i was proud, my doctor and mother...not so much!) So of course i had to eat it. And once i got started...i couldn't stop. I ate SO MANY COOKIES!

I'm so dissapointed with myself. I'm fasting tomorrow. I am a fat fucking pig.

Todays food:
1/2 turkey and cheese sub on white bread: 416
SO MANY COOKIES I DIDNT EVEN COUNT SO I"M GONNA SAY: 1000 :(
Total: 1416 :(((

I feel so shitty about myself. I want to cry. I want to bawl my eyes out. I'm taking a laxative and gonna sit on my toilet and shit my insides out. Its what i deserve.

Here's some beach thinspo for upcoming summer. Hope you guys are doing better than me! Stay strong!



 


 




 

 





BTW:
Does anyone smoke cigarettes? I honestly hate that i do but they help so much with my cravings and taking my mind off anything and everything bothering me.
Stay strong ladies! I love all of you<3
-Shannon


Wednesday, May 18, 2011

107 by lets say, June 17th?

i'm on a new goal, at the moment, i weigh 120.6 lbs and i'd really like to be down to 107.0 lbs by June 17th! I think i can do it! I really need some new motivations, techniques, and tips! Summer is around the corner...OH MY GOSH!

Here's some of my new favorite foods, which hopefully i'll basically only eat:
-'Smart Dogs': 70 calories
- Rice Cakes- 30 calories
-Green Tea with Splenda- 0 calories
-1/2 cup of Chocolate Special K Cereal, no milk- 100 calories
-Yoplait Light Fat-Free Yogurt- 100 calories

Does anyone else have any favorite, low cal foods i could try?
Leave comments!
Thanks loves! :)

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Boyfriend Difficulties

Okay so this entire post is going to be about my boyfriend, James.






I've been doing really great lately, ive been eating little, working out a lot, burning calories, losing ounces and ounces. Greatness. But James has started to notice. In my past i've had these same difficulties, and he knows about these, and does not support it at all. So the other day we were walking around my neighborhood (he wanted to talk, and i suggested a walk cuz it'd burn some calories), and we tlaked about it. He said he was scared for me, and wanted me to stop. Like i could (or would even WANT to!)! He thinks i'm being unreasonable on my goal (which is 100 lbs). I just wish he would understand! Why can't he just support what makes me happy? He keeps saying "i won't support anything that hurts my girlfriend" but he doesnt understand that the only thing that's hurting me is him NOT supporting me...

Does anyone else have this problem? Will he ever understand? Uhg so many unanswered questions.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Torn

So i had a rough weekend. Friday i hung out at my mom's house and passed out at 730 pm! It was SO early! But it was good cuz i really needed the sleep. I ran around my village that day and got my nails done...and when i got home i was exhausted!

Saturday i had a party at a park to go to. It was fun, but difficult because my friend's were all there eating and having a great time, but i was physically drained still. I did a good job not eating tho! Except i did break...i had so many packs of Smarties i wanted to hit myself. But now even saying the w\name makes me sick. I'll definitely have to avoid them from now on!

I woke up at 430am this morning to go to a regatta in a city a few hours away! I went with my boyfriend and my mom and two sisters. It was my breaking point. I got in the car. Ate a cheese stick. Then, i ate some roasted peanuts. Then, when we got to the ragatta, i had some hot chocolate with whipped cream. After that, i ate some of my boyfriend's fries (only like 4 or 5 tho they were gross!). At my aunt's house i had like 5 medium sized meatballs. On the car ride home i had some fruit snacks and a bologna sandwhich. And to top it off, i had 2 cups of mint cookie icecream :(

I feel like such a fat cow. I can't even explain how gross i feel about myself. Eevrytime i went to go get it, a part of me was crying saying "Stop wtf are you doing! You don't need it" but another part of me was saying "Just rebel, just eat it and don't think about it, it won't matter once it's in there" I'm so torn. I need to tell the latter to stfu and listen to the senseful part of me.

I bought a new bathing suit which i'm hoping will be my force behind listening to my senseful side, and stuffing the latter away. I just need to show myself i can do this. I can do this. I can. And i will show everyone i can.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Fuck

Fuck. Fuck.Fuck.Fuck
Fuck.
You know how i was saying how well i did today. Well scratch that shit. I found my dad's stash of cookies. Of course MY FAVORITE brand! And bam! I snapped.
Half a box gone (and it's a big box!), i feel gross. Worst part: i can't throw up! :(
I'm going to have to buy some syrup of ipec or whatever it's called :(
So mad at myself.
Bathing suit season is literally right around the corner! How am i supposed to look amazing for my boyfriend?! Who knows about this life and totally HATES it. Uhg, i'm so stressed again.

123!

Sooo, i've had this illness for the past few months, the doctors have diagnosed it as an abnormal case of "acute migraine manifested vertigo", i've diagnoed it as: " pain in my ass". Anyway, today i was doing good with my 700 calorie day, i had 1/2 cup of Special K cereal and an organic fruit juice pouch thing with 6sliced apples. But then, i start feeling dizzy, and im like "shitttt" so i go to the nurse, chill there for a bit then go back to class. I'm hopinh this new found love won't mess me up once again!

Also, i think im going to start posting what i've eaten for the day, or what ive eaten so far, so that it can motivate me, and maybe some of you! If anyone ever reads my blog, haha.

So today so far:
1/2 cup Special K Chocolate cereal- 120
6 apple slices- 60
1 organic fruit punch puch- 40
1 bagel with cream cheese- 210
1 small grilled chicken- 300
1 cup of chicken rice- 120
1 salad- 10

Alright well hopefully this will help!

BTW: i checked my weight and i was wrong...i weigh 123 1/2 lbs! I'll have to change that asap! :)
Stay strong ladies<3

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

First Post

So this is my first post, and my first blog! So sorry if this is a little rusty to begin within, i hope you guys will bear with me for a while.

So i might as well start out saying my name is Lee, I'm 16 years old and i have been in a love-hate relationship with Ana for about 4 years now. And right now, we're deeply in love once again :) Basically, this blog is an outlet for me to talk about my life, recieve some support, and hopefully give some support to those of you like me.

Im hoping to have this up and running full swing very soon! Many times before ive had troubles staying on the wagon with Ana, but this time, i'm giving her my heart! So hopefully this will help me (and maybe someone else too?)

Here are my stats so you all know:
Age: 16
Height: 5'6"
Weight: 128 lbs
Goal Weight: 110 lbs

Thanks and we'll talk soon! :)